I'll be honest, I've been putting off writing this post for weeks. I don't really know how to say what I have to say.
While this blog is primarily about my knitting exploits, and my love of penguins, it is also, to an extent, about my life. Over the last couple of months, there has really only been one overriding concern in my life.
At about 20 past 11 on the night July 2nd, my dad died.
My sister and I were with him. We spent the evening talking to each other, and him, as though he were awake and joining in the conversation. My sister was reading a very funny book about the ludicrous things that happen in the life of an A&E doctor, and reading bits out to us that were especially hilarious, I was knitting a pair of socks. Half way through a row I became aware that his breathing had changed. I put down my knitting, looked at my sister to find that she was already looking at me with what I imagine was an almost identical expression to my own. I said I thought it was time to call Yasmin, she agreed, and made the call, then we both went to dads bedside to hold his hand, stroke his head, tell him that we loved him, and that it was ok, we'd be ok. Less than a minute later he was gone. Yasmin arrived very soon afterwards, along with several other family members. We hugged, we cried, we kissed the most amazing man I have ever known goodbye for the last time.
I remember noticing as we all left to go home that the sky was still light, even though it was after midnight by then, and that shortly after his terminal diagnosis I had joked with dad that he had to try not to die in November, because we're all sick of miserable Christmas's. Our family members have a habit of dying in November. He told me that he thought he would die at the height of summer.
Now I'm crying my heart out right now, writing all of this I'm living it all over again, but actually, mostly, it's not been as hard as I had predicted it would be. After my mam died I was in pieces. I told Stephen that it would likely be much worse when dad went, as I have always and unashamedly been a daddy's girl. But dad told us many times that he wasn't afraid to die. He had lived a good, and full life. He had enjoyed his life, had good friends, 2 wonderful wives, largely done whatever he wanted to do, and he was proud of his children and grandchildren. He told us not to weep and wail, but to remember him, and all the adventures that we had together. Those words have been a huge balm for grief, especially as we have so many very happy memories, and we never doubted for a second that our dad loved us deeply.
Still, grief is hard. I miss him every day. I see new videos from his favourite YouTube channel - My Self Reliance - and I want to talk to him about them. I take Finn for walks along Whitley Bay beach, and it still feels like dad should be there. In fact, this is exactly what we did the day after dad's funeral and wake, to recover from the hangover.
Just as it helped after my mam died, and after Trish died, knitting has been a lifeline for me at times. When you need to turn your mind off from thinking about your loss, concentrating on the process of making one stitch after another is soothing. When you need something to keep your hands busy while you sit for hours by the bedside of someone you love, watching them slowly slip away. When you need something to feel worthwhile, you finish another sock, and remember how much he loved the socks you made for him. In fact, he wore a pair of the socks that I made for him, along with his trademark disreputable jogging bottoms, and an Ashington Community Woods t-shirt, to his funeral. Finn has claimed the other socks for his "comfort sock" collection. He still gets sad when we go to dad's house (we're slowly working our way through his possessions) and he goes straight to dad's chair, but dad isn't there :(
There have been other stresses to deal with throughout this, to begin with I'd just had my knee surgery when dad went into decline, and the decline was fast. I had been strongly advised not to drive by my surgeon and physio, but legally as long as I can perform an emergency stop I'm allowed to drive, so I drove a lot on that knee. Stephen's uncle died, which was expected, but no death is ever not upsetting. Stephen was unexpectedly made redundant with almost no notice. Finn ate some grapes, and in some dogs a single grape can be fatal, and by the time symptoms start to show it's too late, so we had an out-of-hours vet visit to deal with that. Davie, my step-dad, passed out in front of my sister, demonstrating that his atrial fibrillation is back, and worse than ever, then after we'd come back to Sheffield he passed out again at home alone and broke 8 bones in his foot.
Soooo.... the regular stuff...
FO's
I found that while dad was very ill I couldn't concentrate on anything complicated, and I also needed portable projects to take to and from hospital. So I made a lot of socks.
These ones I had already started during my last visit to Newcastle before dad went into hospital for the last time. Although we knew dad was not well, we still weren't sure if it was the beginning of the end, or if he was putting us through another scare like he did last summer. These are for Gemma, as she was envious of the ones I made for myself from this yarn. As predicted, I managed to get both pairs out of 1 ball of yarn, plus a little bit of mini-skein for the contrasting toes and cuffs. I even had just enough left over to make a single square on one of my mitred squares cushions.
The pattern is my usual sock pattern, and the yarn is King Cole ZigZag in the colourway "Marine", plus a little bit from my Homespun Wonders 2018 advent calendar.
These were the socks I was working on at the moment that dad died. I don't remember which row I was on, only that in the end it was so quick that I didn't have time to finish the row.
I call them "snowflake socks", partly because the name of the yarn is Snowflake, but also because I want to take ownership of my status as a "Lefty liberal snowflake". Yes, I get offended by racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, ablism, and blaming people in abject poverty for the wrongs of the world. You know what I'm not offended by though? Being called out if I've said something or done something that hurts another person. I like to take that as a learning opportunity, rather than an attack on my values, because what I value is life and freedom.
My usual sock pattern, and the yarn is Regia Snowflake Colour, in the colourway "07708".
After the loss, comes the funeral planning, and the paperwork, and the sorting through the house. It keeps you busy, but you have to stop and rest now and then, otherwise you'll go crazy. This is what I did with my down time.
My usual sock pattern, and the yarn is Zwerger garn Opal Claude Monet, in the colourway "Hende Iris in Monets Garten".
The only problem with knitting nothing but socks, and knitting quite intensively for so long, is that the tiny needles do start to make my fingers hurt. So in the few minutes I had before setting off up the motorway I grabbed a giant cake of yarn that I'd bought when out with dad choosing the yarn for his chemo hat and scarf, and a pair of 4.5mm needles. When my hands were too sore to knit socks, I worked on this. Except for a few occasions when it was just too hot to have a shawl growing in my lap.
The pattern is Jay Jay by Francesca Caricato, and the yarn is James C. Brett Northern Lights in the colourway "NL5".
WIPs
I know this looks like it's a finished project, but what you see there is half a cushion cover. All of the squares are done for the second half, but that border is a nightmare! I really didn't consider that when I decided on this particular alignment for the squares. The worst thing about it though is that the king size blanket I'm working on is in the same alignment, so at some point I'm going to have to work all those little short-row triangles, and pick up all of those stitches, in black yarn, for a 2m square blanket. So I confess that I reached this point, and just couldn't face starting the border on the other side, so this is currently in time-out until I have motivation again.
The pattern is based on the Mitred Square Blanket tutorial, by LuAnn Krug, and the squares are wool 4-ply by a vast array of independent yarn dyers. The border is West Yorkshire Spinners Signature 4-ply in the colourway "Liquorice".
So having put one mitred squares cushion cover in time-out, of course I immediately cast on another. To begin with I was using the left-over yarn from recent projects. As you can see, the first square is made from the yarn left over from the sweater I'm wearing in this photo, and in fact now as I'm typing this too! Clearly I quite like this sweater. Then there's about 3 or 4 squares made from the yarn left over from recent socks, some of which you might recognise. The notable difference is the orientation of the squares, so this cushion cover will have a much simpler border!
Even this has been put to one side for the last few days though. I guess it happens to everyone now and then, but I just feel like I've lost my knitting mojo a little bit. It's happened before, and I know it won't be long before I get back to it, but for now I think I might have over-dosed a little bit between The Wool Monty, Woolness, and intense therapy knitting for 2 months.
Stash Acquisition
Uhm. This is going to be a big one.
I got my PIP back-dated payment through, then my dad died. I might have gone a bit crazy with the retail therapy. Especially when you consider that there's a whole lot I'm not including in this post, as I'm going to do an entire separate post about Woolness once I've got this one out of the way.
So here we go...
This is my Homespun Wonders Mythical Creatures July box, with the theme of Summer Fairy. Yorkshire Dales Yarn sparkle sock, a beautiful summer scarf, a pretty tealight holder, some sweet home decor, a fairy stitch marker, and some sweeties.
I ordered this in advance, then forgot that I'd ordered it, and ordered another. Katie messaged me straight away to ask if this was intentional, and offered to change the second order to an August box instead, which is what I chose to do.
I simply can't say enough good things about Katie, and Heather, and the gorgeous yarn gift boxes that they make!
The inclusion of my handbag in this photo is deliberate. This yarn was a mystery pre-order from Dye Candy in collaboration with Sam Draws Things, in aid of the UK mental health charity Mind. The order included a skein of yarn, and a pin-badge depicting a medicine capsule, half of which is made of stockinette knitting stitches, and the words "Drop the stigma, not the stitch".
I know a huge number of people who suffer with mental health issues. Including myself and Stephen. In fact, in my social circle it's more uncommon to find someone who has never been treated for a mental health condition. We are after all the mis-fits. We were the kids who never quite fit in, who were mocked, and bullied. As adults we've found each other, and bonded over the shared experiences of being different, regardless of what made us different, and still does make us different. Before we got here though, we've all been through a lot of crap that has left mental injuries, and those injuries need time and treatment to heal, just as any physical injury would. Within my social circle it's perfectly acceptable to talk about your mental health, and I think this makes a huge difference to how we manage to deal with it. I know that in the wider world it's still seen as some kind of failing to suffer from depression, or anxiety, or PTSD (unless you're a war veteran), or panic attacks. As though it were possible to just ignore all of the stuff going on in your brain. You couldn't ignore it if you broke a leg, or caught the flu, so why should it be any different just because you can't see the organ that is damaged?
Dye Candy called this colourway "Numb", but to me it says a whole lot more. Those bright splashes of green, and few speckles of blue speak to me of something wilder, fighting against the numb disconnection that mental illness can cause.
Obviously, these are all commercial sock yarns, bought from Woolstack. Plus a couple of pairs of 3.25mm interchangeable tips, as this is the size I use for my mitred squares, and it's also the size of needle that I seem most likely to break or lose. In fact, I know I have another mis-matched pair of tips in this size in a needle case because I broke the matching needle to both pairs. So since I'm using them a lot right now, I thought I should make sure I had spares!
The yarns are West Yorkshire Spinners in the colourways "Wood Pigeon", which I've wanted for ages, and "Bullfinch", and Zwerger garn Opal 4-ply in the colourway "Sweet &Spicy".
Mothy and the Squid mini-skeins. One of these colourways was dyed especially for a particular yarn festival this summer, after the festival just a few skeins were left, including a couple of mini-skeins, and as I'd really liked the colourway when I saw photos on Instagram, but thought that I'd not be able to get any as I wasn't going to that particular festival, I thought I'd take the opportunity. I also added a few other colourways that I'd had my eye on for a while. These have all already been included in my latest mitred squares cushion cover.
The day that I bought these was the day that I told Barbara of Ring-a-Rosie that my dad had died. I burst into tears before I could finish getting the words out, and she came to give me a big hug. We first met when Trish was in hospital, and looking for comfort I googled local yarn shops near my dad, and found her shop. I visited several times in those couple of months, dad came with me a few times too. During that time dad was diagnosed with cancer, then 3 days later Trish died, then dad went into hospital for surgery on the same day as Trish's funeral, which would also have been her birthday, and their wedding anniversary, and we discovered the next day that it was too late, the diagnosis was terminal. Barbara was going through similar events in her own life at the time, and sadly she lost her mum to cancer in the January. Over these shared experiences, we became friends, and this was the first place I took my debit card to do some comfort shopping, because this is a local business that I will always support, as both Barbara, and her yarn have supported me.
My July Knitcrate Sock crate. You can now choose online a sort of theme for the types of colours that you prefer, but one of the things that I love about my knitcrate is that every time it's a complete surprise. Even though I follow them on Instagram, so I get to see the colourways long before mine arrives all the way over here in the UK, I never know which colourway will be in my crate. I've never been disappointed with what I've got either. So I'm sticking to not choosing a theme, and getting a beautiful surprise every month. I particularly love that they sometimes slip in a little something extra, in July it was a little crochet hook/cable needle tool for picking up dropped stitches, and working cables.
I received the shipping emails for my next crates last week, so I'm hoping for smooshy post soon!
My August Homespun Wonders Mythical Creatures box.
You have no idea how useful nail files are to knitters unless you've tried knitting with a cracked fingernail! So I was really pleased to get lots in this parcel. Another notepad to sate my stationary fetish, the cutest scissors, a decorative jar for storing notions, and tea!!! I love that several independent yarn dyers have been approached by tea companies who recognise the link between knitting, and sitting down with a nice cuppa! Bird and Blend is a favourite of mine already, Earl Grey is my standard brew, and one of these teas is called "Earl Grey Creme", so perfect!
After ordering this box I was talking to Yasmin about it, as she's been thinking of ordering herself one, and something she said made me worry that some of the future months might have already sold out. Of course I immediately went to check, and when I saw that they were still available, I ordered every month up to December, just to be safe!
See! More tea! Plus more badges for my handbag, and a gorgeously purple skein of sturdy sock in the colourway "Eldritch Blast".
Hannah, of The Corner of Craft, and Chromatic Yarns, is the origin of the tea and yarn phenomenon I think. Last year in the run up to Christmas she took part in a YouTube challenge to record and post a video every day of December until Christmas day. During those little videos she opened herself up to her audience in an amazingly honest and beautiful way. She also opened her advent calendar for us each day, and that calendar was by Bird and Blend. I know I wasn't the only viewer to be convinced to order tea because of her, and I told Bird and Blend this when they asked for feedback. I suspect I wasn't alone in that either! Then just recently Hannah announced that Bird and Blend had contacted her and sent her lots of samples to send out to her customers with their orders. Genius!
The tea in this one is Nearly Nirvana, which is my personal favourite from Bird and Blend.
Dye Candy is of a similar political persuasion to me, and recently she proposed a new pin design that I'm completely in favour of. When I went to her site to pre-order the pin, this absolute stunner just accidentally fell into my basket. It's called "Girls like Dino's too", which says it all really, and of course it's sock yarn, because how often do I buy anything that isn't 4-ply? The pin isn't ready yet, but I was overjoyed to receive this "Yarnies Rock" pin in my parcel too!
Please forgive the state of my living room. I promise that's a dog toy in the background, and the empty yoghurt pot is there because Finn likes to clean the pot after I've eaten breakfast, but when he's done, or if he gets distracted, he just drops the pot on the rug. I took this photo immediately after opening my post, I hadn't got up from eating breakfast to tidy up after litter pup!
Eden Cottage Yarns are a company that I follow on social media, but I've never bought from before. Her colours are usually more pastel than I would usually choose, although she does some gorgeous muted purples and burgundy colours that I will at some point buy and turn into a sweater. Possibly one from this pattern book. Stephen is so interested in WWII that he often corrects programmes on TV for getting their facts wrong, and over time a bit of it has seeped into me, like some kind of geek osmosis. I can now recognise the outline of far more planes than I ever thought I would for example. But our interests overlap from time to time, as we both love museums, stately homes, the history of computing, and geeks from the past. Put all those things together, and you've got Bletchley Park. We've been there a couple of times, and loved it. So this pattern book is perfect, it even has a pattern with lace details based on old computer punch card codes!
Then look at that sweetie jar full of tiny balls of yarn! They're called "Yarnlings", how sweet is that? This was too beautiful not to have, and those yarnlings have already started making their way into my mitred squares.
Plus of course, there's more tea!
This is the last of the yarn, excepting of course everything from Woolness, which I'll show you soon. It's not yet time for penguins though, I've a few things that I think deserve to be shared first.
Knitting adjacent
Mostly pattern books.
These have all been on my wishlist for some time now, so with an unusually full bank account, and grief as a goad to my spending urges, I finally ordered them. Centenary Stitches is especially brilliant, with both original patterns, and modern interpretations of patterns, and a whole story to go with them of the family that inspired the film, that inspired the pattern book.
Although it seems pretty unimportant, a few days after dad died it was my birthday. I didn't expect to enjoy it, but actually I had a really good day.
<tangent>
The morning was spent visiting Planky Mill, the place where so many of our happy memories with dad were made, and also the home of one of dads oldest friends. We went to let Walter know, as he doesn't do social media, and mostly ignores his phone.
Then I had my nails done at Spoilt for Choice, with nail art of trees under the evening sky, and campfires. Then I went for lunch with my sister at the Links Art Gallery and cafe in Whitley Bay, where we discovered tiny little prints of the work of a local artist called Emily Ward. It may seem strange that I wanted a copy of one of these for my own home, as huge versions of her work are displayed in the common room at Redesdale Court palliative care unit, which is where my mam, Gemma's mam, and my dad all spent their final days. But if you need care at the end of your life, then there are few places better than Redesdale court to be, and I found those paintings to be calming, and uplifting, every time that we sat in that room waiting out of the way while the nurses to helped dad, and even the last time, when most of the family sat in there still raw with grief, already telling little stories of the funny things we'd all done with dad. So yes, I bought a print of that very same painting.
The evening was spent with Gemma and Graham, eating Chinese food, drinking gin, talking, knitting, generally being chilled.
I think that because I hadn't expected it, that day seemed all the more wonderful and precious. There is still joy, and a huge amount of love in my life.
</tangent>
Anyway, Kelly gave me these pattern books as a birthday present, although I didn't get them until quite a while after my birthday, because I was in Newcastle, and he was in Sheffield, except for the day of dad's funeral, and he didn't feel it would be right to give me gifts on that day.
Kelly said that one of these books is "silly" but looked like it might be useful, and the other he chose because it looked really challenging, and he thought I might like that. He's right, I've been looking at the Japanese Stitch Bible for a while but hadn't bought it for myself as I thought it might be too difficult! Now I pretty much have to try some of the things in it!
Tea and knitting, it's a theme! But there's something even better about this particular mug and coaster set...
Penguins!!!
Oh, and that red and white wallet in the top photo is a new case for storing my most frequently used sizes of interchangeable needles. There's a lot of 4mm needles in there, and a lot of 3.25mm needles too, not all of them are strictly speaking 'pairs'. This means that the lovely wallet for my complete Dreamz needles set, and the beautiful box for my complete Karbonz needles set, can both be used to hold only the needles they were intended to hold, instead of being crammed full of extra cables, and extra Symphonie, birch, and rose cubics tips.
Finn
This photo says it all really. Me in my happy place, the first night I got back home after dad's funeral. Snuggled on the sofa in my pyjamas, with Stephen, Finn, and my knitting.
Finn knew I wasn't happy. He's been super clingy, bringing me things, cuddling with me, not wanting to leave me alone, because he wanted to protect me and cheer me up. He is absolutely the most adorable creature in the world. He's just lifted his head out of my lap, like he knows I'm writing about him!
To begin with he was fascinated by the swift and winder, then after it booped him on the snoot a few times he decided that he didn't like it much, and went to have a nap next to his daddy. This is me catching up of turning my mini-skeins into cakes.
Here he is "helping" me to build an Ikea desk so that Stephen can get on with his training and job applications in a proper office without too many distractions, instead of on the sofa with a dog constantly asking him to throw a ball, that he will them always bring back to me!
Yes, I'm wearing PJs again. Disabled, limited energy, if I want to build a desk, I can't waste energy on getting dressed. Yes, the carpet in the room that is now an office is spectacularly 70's. The house used to belong to Stephen's parents, and we've only redecorated the rooms we use a lot. Yes, that is a giant box of loo roll behind Finn, but it uses zero plastic.
Penguins!
Yes, even in the middle of summer, even when it's been 38°C in our garden in Yorkshire, there are still penguins.
This is the silliest penguin. Cadbury have started doing a little treasure chest treat for kids. It's actually terrible, because it's a plastic box, usually with a plastic toy inside, as well as some chocolate buttons, although some do have cardboard jigsaws. I really should hate this as someone who is trying their very best to cut down on single use plastics, reuse, recycle, etc. But there was a penguin, so I had to buy a few of the boxes until I got a penguin. It only took me 4 attempts fortunately, and the boxes can be recycled at least.
I didn't keep my birthday cards up for very long, after the day itself, I didn't feel much like celebrating. I put them all up on my laptop to take a photo for you though, just so you can see the theme!
My birthday present off Yaz. Penguins and stationary, what's not to love?
Another birthday present, this time off Krissy and 2 of my god children. I have considered using these to make ice treats for Finn, to keep him cool when it's really hot, although I won't put the sticks in if I do that, he'd only eat those too!
Since The Wool Monty, I've been following Made by Penguins, and a little while ago they shared some little ornaments of penguins made by Kate Elford. I couldn't believe that I'd never discovered this little shop before! Meaning that I now have a few more penguin badges for my handbag, and penguin stickers, just because.
It's time to sign off now. It's almost 4am, but I've finally made myself write the hardest update I've ever done. I'm keeping going, and I'm doing the things I love, because that's what my dad would have wanted.
Peter John Lynn
10/02/1948 - 02/07/2019
The best dad.
Night night my dears.
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