This is my angry face!
Apparently Kelly doesn't like my angry face.
So here's why I'm angry - I'm a fat girl. There's no getting around it, I'm somewhere around a UK size 20 (depending on which bit you measure). If you're also somewhat above your ideal weight, then you've probably encountered that trip to the doctors where you tell them about some pain you're suffering from, and they get THAT LOOK. You know the one, the one that says "you know what I'm going to tell you, but you need to know it's all your own fault for being so lazy." Then they tell you that all they can do is advise you take some ibuprofen, and lose some weight.
You probably already know this, but it's a daunting prospect. Every step hurts even when you're just walking, imagine how much worse it will be when running? You're already carrying around an extra 75lbs (40kg) plus or minus some, on what you'd be carrying if you were your ideal weight (for a spherical human in a vacuum), you're painfully aware of how those extra pounds are going to wobble, and jiggle, and chafe. You're self-conscious, you dread going to the gym and having the Beautiful People watch you struggle, and gasp, and sweat.
But you decide you're going to go for it. You take the next step, thinking this may be the hardest thing you've ever done in your life...
Here's how that decision began for me: As you already know, I like to run, regardless of what my joints and tendons may have to say on the advisability of such activity. I didn't think I would like running. I stopped anything that resembled a track event when I developed breasts and hips. Then a few years ago Kelly really got into the running thing and said I should do it too. I laughed and told him I'd run if he could find me a sports bra that actually worked!
Eventually, to my utter amazement, he found me this. It's the Panache Sport bra, and it is not only available up to an H-cup, it actually gives comfort and support to those of us who are somewhat over-generously endowed.
I thought the bra would be the hard bit, and I blithely assumed that once I'd found that the rest would be easy. I was wrong.
Running shoes were fairly easy to find. The guy in Up and Running was really nice, and although he couldn't do anything to stop me feeling self-conscious, and out of place, he at least didn't do or say anything to make that feeling worse. He helped me choose some very expensive, but very comfortable trainers. So far, so good.
So now we get to the rest of the running outfit, and here the problems start.
I searched the fat girl shops for running trousers, and I couldn't find any. Because fat girls don't run, right?
I tried the proper sports shops. Here I was either studiously ignored as I wandered through aisles of climbing harnesses, GPS devices, and barefoot trainers, looking lost. Or I was immediately approached by a tanned, bleach-blonde beauty who asks me "Can I help you?" in a tone of voice that clearly states "Nobody can help you, go back to your sofa and eat your cake." When I ask for running trousers in a size 20-22 she looks thoughtful for a while then tells me that there's some relaxed fit yoga pants that she thinks might go up to a size 18.
I end up with some generic jersey 'active wear' trousers from a big department store, Debenhams I think. They cost me more than the high-tech moisture wicking, hard-wearing, designed for purpose trousers would have, but have none of these properties.
A few weeks later I'm noticing thinning and bobbling of the fabric on the inner thigh region, and by a month or 2 later my expensive jogging bottoms have developed gaping holes, and my inner thighs have developed massive friction burns.
I repeat this cycle over, and over, and over again. This rant is brought to you courtesy of a search for plus-size sports wear that produced a couple of links to ranges available up to a size 16! Wow! And a whole raft of links to forums posts on running sites where people are asking "where can I buy running clothes that will fit my big bottom?"
So tell me, if it's so important that we all "Be Inspired", that we all "Get Active", that we all "Push ourselves that little bit harder", then why is the equipment necessary to do this only readily available in sizes 8-14?
Just don't even mention Swimming!
Every time I talk about the fact that I run, and how difficult I find it, how much it hurts, how hard it is finding running trousers, someone brings up the 'S' word.
If you think finding affordable running trousers in a size 20 is hard, then just try finding a swimsuit in a 36GG! And yes, it does need to be sized by cup-size, because no size 20 swimsuit has adequate accommodation for these puppies!
Add to that the fact that it costs to enter a swimming pool, you can only do it when the pool is open, and isn't hosting some sort of gala event. You have to strip naked in a room full of other people, and regardless of how much you tell yourself they're all more worried about their own appearance than yours, you still can't stop yourself from believing that every teenage giggle is about the wobbly pile of cottage cheese with the weird scars that you're watching yourself squeeze into an ill-fitting scrap of lycra. Then you have to take off your glasses and enter a slippery, humid, and cloying environment, smelling horrifically of chlorine, and you can't even see where you're going!
No. I won't go swimming.
Sorry about that guys!
I promise there will be some knitting bloggage soon!
In the mean time, here is a knitted cupcake:
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