In Memoriam

In the early hours of this morning I finished a project.  Normally, I don't think I'd dedicate an entire blog post to just one project, but this one is special to me.

Let me set the scene:

My mam was an amazing woman.  I can't even begin to explain the things that she lived though, the responsibilities that she took in her stride, or the impact that she had on so many lives.  But trust me when I say she was remarkable.  This photo was taken on a family outing in June 2011:

Mam was also the woman who taught me to knit when I was maybe 6 years old.  I can only assume that she did a lot of knitting at the time because it was less expensive than buying clothes for us, because I learned later in life that she really wasn't a big knitting fan.  In fact, when I started high school in 1990 she cast on a royal blue sweater so that I could have a sweater in my school colour for the winter.  In 1993 I finished my GCSEs, and no longer needed a school uniform, but mam had not finished knitting that sweater.  So she decided to try to finish it for my sister.  In 1995 my sister graduated high school, and still no sweater.  We have some very close friends who lived across the street when we were children.  Gemma and Vikki are like 2 more sisters to us.  So mam decided she would try to finish the sweater for Vikki finishing high school.  Needless to say, she never did.  

You  will have noticed that I always refer to my mam in the past tense.  This is because shortly after the photo above was taken, she was diagnosed with stage 4 Ovarian cancer. 

They call ovarian cancer the 'Silent Killer', because the symptoms are hard to spot, and easily dismissed as being something far more minor.  My mam had 3 cesarean sections during her life, when she complained of abdominal pain her doctors blamed adhesions on the scar tissue and never bothered to investigate further.  In the end, her cancer was spotted because she developed a lung infection that wouldn't shift, and when they tested the fluid that had built up on her lungs they found cancer cells that had spread from her ovaries.  By then it was just too late.  I can't emphasise enough how important it is that you know the symptoms of ovarian cancer as well as we now know how to check for breast cancer.  Go here and find out more, it might save your life.

My mam fought this horrible disease for 17 months after her diagnosis, she saw her first grandchild born, and reach her 1st birthday, but on the 8th November 2012, with us there holding her hands, she finally stopped fighting.

We miss her more than words can say.

Life goes on

To begin with, it was simply too painful to think about what I might want to do as a memorial for my mam.  She never wanted a fancy tombstone or anything, she wanted us to remember her in our hearts, as she was, not as a block of granite with writing on.

Then earlier this year I found a pattern on Ravelry called "Rocky Mountaineer".  It's part of a collection by Susan Ashcroft, also known as Stitchnerd, based on various trains.

My mam had always wanted to travel on the Rocky Mountaineer, and when she retired, she finally fulfilled that dream.  Her diagnosis came just a year after she retired, so that Rocky Mountaineer trip was her last big holiday.

In a few weeks it will be 2 years since we lost my mam.  Although it still hurts, it is finally possible for me to think about working on an heirloom type shawl made in her memory.  Obviously, the Rocky Mountaineer was the perfect choice.

So at the end of August, I chose my yarn, and it had to be blue, of course, in homage to that long ago sweater that my mam never finished, and I cast on:

As I worked the seemingly interminable garter stitch that forms the first third of the shawl, I decided that as this was to be in memory of my mam, I really wanted it to be special.  So I decided to bead the lace section.

I wish I'd made that decision before casting on.  Adding beads to lace with a crochet hook is time consuming to say the least.  I timed myself, and it was taking me a full hour to knit just one row if it was a beaded row.

Any other project, I might have changed my mind and decided not to add the beads after all, but this one I wanted to be perfect.  I made an error in one of the lace rows one night, and rather than call it a 'design feature', I carefully ripped back the 3 rows I'd knit since making the error, and picked up all 216 stitches.

It was worth it though.

Last night I added the last bead, and cast off the last stitch:

I even stayed up a little longer to soak it and pin it out to block.

Here is the final result:

I am so pleased that I put the extra effort into adding the beads, and making sure that this is absolutely as perfect as I could make it.  I will wear it, and I will think of the best mam anyone could ever wish for.  And when my niece is older, I will pass it on to her, as a reminder of the grandma she only knew for 14 precious months.

In memory of Margaret Lynn, mother, wife, sister, friend, and beacon of strength for all who needed her, right to the end.  I will love you forever.